it’s painful seeing “It’s (your name) birthday today!” on my Facebook notification in the morning of my birthday so i decided to unfriend you.

although I didn’t see such a notification again this year, still my mind came across to you, to how our just-fine relation turned sour — a thing i can’t tell why until now.

some people around me sometimes still talk about you, waking up a dead man from his grave called memory. and i’ll just take some peanuts and munch them or sip my wine, swallowing all the pain.

your presence fades away as the time goes by but i never have the gut to say that i’ve moved on because i don’t always have peanuts or a glass of wine near me to help me digesting all the shakes in my muscles and groans in my tummy every time a thought of you visits me or is brought to me by friends, tv shows or (your) colleagues.

the memories of you are kept at the corner of my brain. they’re dusty, seldom revisited as days and deadlines successfully make me busy. but i can’t say i’ve forgotten you because that particular bus stop i sometimes pass by has the view of your office tower and before i can stop it, my mind has already started guessing what are you doing now.

details about you evaporate layer by layer but i find out that they’re still hanging in the air when my ojek passes by a roasted chicken food-stall where we once had lunch and i watched you patiently slice your steak into pieces before eating it. i just found out, years after the day, how far the place is from the airport, the destination where you would drive me to that afternoon.

thoughts of you sometimes pop up in my mind when i see a signboard of a securities firm, whose name bears yours, near a place where i usually have events to cover. but sometimes i was just running late so i didn’t have a chance to land even a glance to the signboard and your ghost didn’t visit me at the time.

beside the time, living in the city might also heals the wounds as special things and places become common things and places if i see them on a regular basis.

and now, as we’re close to the end of january, i will have no reason to think about you anymore (and i should be thankful about that) for the rest of the year. we’re walking our different paths, so close yet so far away, keeping them out of crossing each other so lives can go on.

finally, allow me to wish you happiness, peacefulness.

and happy birthday.

jakarta, january 2017


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